What is it about you that makes me feel separated from my source?

It's been a few days since last I posted. This is partially because I've been pretty fucking busy. My girlfriend moved in with me last Monday, and as my house wasn't particularly prepared to receive a new tenant, we've been tidying, discussing, and making decisions about what to do with pretty much everything. The process has only just begun. Also, my primary computer is now using the television as a monitor (it felt restricted by the 20" monitor and was getting lonely in my office, which I try not to go into unless I have to), and it's a little weird to type out my thoughts on a giant screen with someone else in the room. I don't mind her reading it when I'm done (she's my primary audience at the moment, actually), but the creation process is not enhanced by an audience.

What happened to the polyamory situation? Oh, yeah. That. Well, it's a long story, and I'm not sure all parties would appreciate the story being immortalized in my blog, but the basic gist is that Doug and Christy (husband and his girlfriend who happens to be my ex) decided they would rather be primaries, and Jessica and I are, as a result, primaries as well.  No, it wasn't a simple, "Oh, OK. That's fine; I was ready for a change, anyway," to get from there to here, but I'm really not at liberty to give details, as much as I might like to.

I've been monitoring my reactions closely. I've had a lot of anger as different aspects have come to light, and have really had to pace myself to keep from saying things I might later regret. And no, I have no anger toward Jessica. I asked her the other night whether it was selfish of me to be glad that I have her full-time now, and I am glad. My home feels empty when she's not here.

At the same time, it's a little weird to think of myself as her primary partner after being secondary for so long. It's easier to carry on with my you-are-in-charge-of-your-own-happiness philosophy when . . . well, when what? I don't care for Jessica any more or less than I did before; I don't take her into consideration any more than I did before when making decisions. Perhaps it's only that our commitment to each other is more palpable now. That and the word primary.

Throughout this time I've been bewildered more than once by how other people think and behave. Historically I've been pretty good at imagining why other people do what they do, and it's made me a pretty easy-going person. Lately I've been having to think pretty hard to figure out why people do what they do, though, and it's challenged my belief that there is no absolute right or wrong in most situations.

Here's a good example: I told my mom that Jessica had moved in, and that I was thinking of bringing her home, to Vernon, Alabama, for Thanksgiving. Her response:

"Is she gay?"

I mulled this over for a moment, turned to Jessica, and said, "She wants to know if you're gay."

I know that Jessica is not gay. I also know that trying to explain bisexuality to my mom would only translate as the word as "whore" to her. We're certainly not getting into the married issue.

I did the best I could: "She's dated men, but right now she's in love with me."

That did not go over well at all.

"I am not having her in my house."

"You let me bring Christy home."

"I'm not putting up with this any more. You need to read your bible. I know you believe in God." And on and on.

I did *not* respond with, "Well, no, Mom, I can't believe in a god who would send nice people like me to hell," so figure I'm doing pretty good with restraining myself. Of course, in not saying stuff like that, I'm totally looking out for my own interests. There's not much that's more painful than a religious discussion with my mom.

I hate to think that my mom's beliefs are more important to her than I am, but at times I suspect that's true. Sure, I could tell myself that she really believes I'd be happier if I capitulated to this idea of right and wrong that she has, but I can see how anxiety-ridden she is herself because of those beliefs, and it just doesn't make sense.

So when I feel angry or sad or just weird about that situation or others, I ask myself, as Abraham advises, "What is it about you that makes me feel separated from my source?"

Is it your own obvious lack of connection? Does it remind me of my own shortcomings? Do I envy your passion and conviction? Do I long for some rock to stand on?

And suddenly I feel pretty firmly grounded. I do have a rock to stand on. I know how I feel, and what I believe, and I know why I feel and believe what I do.

At times I have a hard time believing that what I want will magically appear in my life if I firmly hold to the belief that it will. Having a hard time believing it sort of puts a damper on trying, of course. Having said that, I can point to a number of recent events that makes it obvious that it's true.

I cherished every moment with Jessica before, and knew that I wanted a full-time lover like her, yet I had no feeling of lack because she was in my life, and I enjoyed what we had. And now I have a full-time lover exactly like her. Specifically, her. It felt like a pretty fucked up way to get here, but I am really glad we're here all the same.

That's the big one. But there are smaller things, too--like having my house more the way I want it. She wants it the way I want it, too, and it's easier to make it happen with two of us here. I've always wanted to have someone to do NaNoWriMo with me, and she suggested we both do it about a month ago. And so forth.

So I don't know what to do with my mom, or whether I'll go home for Thanksgiving at all at this point. I don't know why my friends behave the way they do; I don't even understand some of what Jessica does, and we're pretty together on most things. I'm not even sure if it's my job to try to figure it all out, but it's what I do.

I guess being in charge of your own happiness doesn't mean you ought to create a vacuum to live in, so that nothing else can interfere with your quest. I think it means appreciate the contrast that comes to you, and whether you shake your head or nod in agreement with the events in your life, hold on most of all to your own source.