Recently Abraham has started plugging a new process. I like to call it The Alphabet Game.
You start with the letter A and come up with a word that begins with that letter that is a feeling word and vortex-y sounding. Appreciation is a really good one, and they use it as an example almost always when they describe the game. I like adventure, too, and allowing. Then you go to B, using words like basking or . . . well, I always have a hard time with B. Beauty isn't really a feeling word, but it always occurs to me. Beloved is nice; I came up with that one today. Then you go to C, and on through the alphabet all the way to Z (zest).
When Abraham plays it with a workshop participant, they often say, "I'm really interested to hear your X word." I fantasize about being at a workshop and suggesting xenophilia, which would be more appropriate if it meant "love of all kinds of things" instead of "love of foreign people and cultures." Still, it could work.
I did it today during a massage, and ended up feeling really really wonderful by the time I got to zest. Really blissful (there's a good B word). So I decided to do it again during another massage and it didn't have quite the same impact. I suppose I play too many word games on the computer: all sorts of words would pop into my head for different letters (bulimia, for example, or horrific). So I'll limit that game to once per day unless I'm really really bored.
Then I thought about Buffy the Vampire Slayer. We're on Season 5, and I had forgotten how creative Glory's minion is in his glorifications of his lady. "Yes, your silky smoothness," pops into my head.
So I went through the alphabet and came up with words that describe Jessica and naming her positive attributes, texting them to her one at a time all the way to Z between massage sessions. That was fun. (J is for jiggly jugs, in case you're wondering; though I did come up with a more serious J contribution. She does have really wonderful breasts.) In the original game (vortex words, not Jessica words), my favorite J word is Jessica, and I do get a nice warm fuzzy whenever I get there.
By this time you might be sick of hearing how awesome Jessica is. Well, she is pretty fucking awesome anyway, whether you like it or not. ;) Abraham says we should use any excuse to get into the vortex, and she is by far the easiest, most accessible excuse I have.
That's not to say that she's perfect. We have disagreements, and boredom and restlessness at times, but even in the midst of that, I know who she really is even when she's not feeling her best. She knows who I am even when I'm not feeling my best. Our relationship is built on who we really are, not what mood we're in at the moment, and that brings us to better moods around each other.
Today, in a workshop I was listening to, Abraham said that we look for people who bring us into the vortex consistently to be our mates, in which case most of us should marry our dogs. If I could marry Dmitri, I . . . ew. He's a dog. He's the best dog ever, but he's still a dog.
I think that's all for today. Happy alphabetizing!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
compatible neuroses
I was thinking this morning about how wonderful I feel with Jessica. Whenever I feel less-than-good, I picture us driving somewhere fun, her hair framing her face the way it does, sunglasses on and looking carefree.
I didn't feel bad, just a little sleepy, but that image brought me into warm fuzzy happiness the way it always does.
I imagined talking to Abraham about her, about how she's all I need to think about to get into the vortex, and how my plan is to keep that up until my point of attraction improves all over the place, not just with our relationship. I pictured myself saying, "My friend Kathy says that the key to a good relationship is compatible neuroses," and laughing, and then I realized that that's not the key to the relationship that I want. It's not the key to the relationship I have.
The key to our relationship is how easy it is for me to be myself with her. My true self; not the current physical mental apparatus that I am, but the ideal that is the real me.
I've been thinking a lot about expectations. Abraham says, "When your desire feels so big that it feels unreasonable, it is not on the verge of manifestation. When your desire feels to you like it is the next logical step, then it is on the verge of manifestation." (Ask and It Is Given, p. 122)
I can't say that I'm expecting to win the lottery tomorrow, as nice as it would be. What I can say is that I feel way better now than I ever have in my life. I can look back and see how I started in a dark and cold place (overall--I did have happy times and good friends, but my overall outlook and opinion of myself wasn't fantastic) and gradually grew more and more into who I am today. That lets me know that there is one thing that I can be sure of: as long as I'm working to feel better and to be more myself, I will feel better and better, and be more myself.
The next logical step is always to feel a little better. Whether it will bring great manifestations tomorrow or next week or next decade, I have no idea. But I know I have an amazing life to look forward to; a pretty damn good life right now.
I expect amazing things. I see amazing things--in myself, in my lover, in myself when I'm with my lover. In the snow on the ground and the dogs on the sofa. In my warm woolen socks. In the books I read and the music I hear.
How could I help but be positive when I look around and see what I see, when it so recently wasn't there? Good things come. Good things are coming.
Life is good.
I didn't feel bad, just a little sleepy, but that image brought me into warm fuzzy happiness the way it always does.
I imagined talking to Abraham about her, about how she's all I need to think about to get into the vortex, and how my plan is to keep that up until my point of attraction improves all over the place, not just with our relationship. I pictured myself saying, "My friend Kathy says that the key to a good relationship is compatible neuroses," and laughing, and then I realized that that's not the key to the relationship that I want. It's not the key to the relationship I have.
The key to our relationship is how easy it is for me to be myself with her. My true self; not the current physical mental apparatus that I am, but the ideal that is the real me.
I've been thinking a lot about expectations. Abraham says, "When your desire feels so big that it feels unreasonable, it is not on the verge of manifestation. When your desire feels to you like it is the next logical step, then it is on the verge of manifestation." (Ask and It Is Given, p. 122)
I can't say that I'm expecting to win the lottery tomorrow, as nice as it would be. What I can say is that I feel way better now than I ever have in my life. I can look back and see how I started in a dark and cold place (overall--I did have happy times and good friends, but my overall outlook and opinion of myself wasn't fantastic) and gradually grew more and more into who I am today. That lets me know that there is one thing that I can be sure of: as long as I'm working to feel better and to be more myself, I will feel better and better, and be more myself.
The next logical step is always to feel a little better. Whether it will bring great manifestations tomorrow or next week or next decade, I have no idea. But I know I have an amazing life to look forward to; a pretty damn good life right now.
I expect amazing things. I see amazing things--in myself, in my lover, in myself when I'm with my lover. In the snow on the ground and the dogs on the sofa. In my warm woolen socks. In the books I read and the music I hear.
How could I help but be positive when I look around and see what I see, when it so recently wasn't there? Good things come. Good things are coming.
Life is good.
Monday, December 27, 2010
snow day extended dance remix
Today is Day Two of being snowed in here in Durham. Yesterday we played Wii, watched TV, did laundry and dishes, and generally putzed around to our hearts' content. Today I'd like to do some vortex-y kind of work, but I'm not sure where to start. I've focus-wheeled myself dry, so it's time to thumb through the processes in the back of Ask and It Is Given.
What would be nice is a simple, step-by-step process to lose resistance, to let go and allow myself to stop pushing away the success I'd like. Don't get me wrong--I'm happy, and I'm having an amazing life, but if there were a sure-fire process to go through to manifest whatever I'd like to come next, that sounds like fun.
Abraham has, of course, listed 22 processes to reduce resistance and get more vortex-y in the back of Ask and It Is Given, complete with suggestions for when to use which process. I'm imagining, though, something more like a program--seven days of focus wheels followed by three of the "Wouldn't it be nice if . . ." game, then scripting for a bit . . . a sure-fire way to chip away resistance and line up with my inner being.
Wouldn't it be nice if there were such a program, and it worked like clockwork? Instant Enlightenment and all that?
Or would it be?
Part of the joy of life is its unpredictable nature. Another part is looking forward to what you know is coming, of course, and expecting the best.
When I was twelve I was baptized. This process was supposed to wash me of my sins, freeing me to be right with god and, most importantly, guaranteeing me a place in heaven as long as I didn't "fall away" from the faith. It was a definable process in our church: five steps to salvation that we could all recite glibly to our friends from other denominations who left out one crucial step or another (usually baptism, according to us). Hear. Believe. Repent. Confess. Be baptized. Poof, you're a Christian.
The problem was I felt worse after the baptism part. It meant I was an adult and responsible for my own actions, unless I was wrong, still innocent, in which case maybe it didn't take and I'd need to get re-baptized at 20 or so, which I thought about doing many times. Lots of people I knew did that, fearing that they didn't know what they were doing when they were younger and wanting to make sure that they were right with god.
That's the beauty of a defined process, though: I knew that I'd feel the same if I was baptized again; I knew I did it technically right the first time. How you feel doesn't play into the assurance of salvation at all. Which means that if you didn't do it right, the only way to know would be to think about it and decide logically.
Not easy for a young woman who hardly knew her own mind.
With Abraham, though, you're not shooting for salvation. You're just shooting for feeling better, which is easy to tell because . . . well, you feel better. Relief is a key word here.
Sometimes the feeling better is harder to define than others. The biggest feeling of relief I ever had was in giving up my religion, yet it terrified me. Terror is a step up from feeling dead, and it was a huge relief to realize that I had been right all along; there was no point in trying to explain to myself why things made sense when they obviously didn't.
So today I'm a little bored, or feeling like I might get bored, and what feels better than bored? Interest. Excitement. Awareness. Surety. Appreciation. Lots of things, really. I waxed philosophical and it didn't hold my interest just now (sorry if I bored you, too); in fact, it reminded me that I've let go of my past and it's way more fun to look to the future. It's way more fun to look at the present, in fact, and think of all the stuff I appreciate.
Three dogs, three cats and a beautiful woman to share my holidays and snow days with--very much appreciated.
I got Scrivener working this morning (command line Linux is not a strong point for me, which is why I use Ubuntu), which opens up possibilities for working on my novel or cataloging ideas for other stuff I want to do and write.
My girlfriend's dad saw my copy of Ask and It Is Given on the coffee table and it turns out he's really into Abraham. I have a new fantasy of getting him tickets to see them for his birthday.
I got a math drawing kit for Christmas, which makes it easier to draw recognizable circles for my focus wheels.
There is no end of interesting noises that Casper, the French bulldog, makes, awake or asleep.
I've been wanting a little time off work; today is the sixth day I have off, and after tomorrow I'm off again until Sunday, after which we're going to visit my brother in Connecticut for a few days.
We have leftover lasagna and cheesecake in the fridge.
I'm still in my pajamas. It's nearly 1:00.
I got a refund check from my health insurance company in the mail.
I can deposit checks using my phone camera.
My girlfriend reheated my coffee for me without me asking. She's very sweet that way. <3
My journal is waiting for me to do some fun Abraham-type processes, complete with new compass and favorite fountain pen. And these processes aren't a set do-it-right kind of thing, but rather a way to get yourself to feel better. Relief, joy, appreciation, assuredness, optimism, excitement, and love are all within me, and if I take a few minutes, none of it is too difficult to find.
And that's today. Happy snow day. :)
Monday, December 20, 2010
being ok with where you are
Abraham has pointed out a fear that I myself have:
If I'm happy with where I am, won't the universe say, "Oh, she's happy now; no point in giving her what she wants"?
Silly fear, but it stays with me.
It reminds me of my ex getting onto me to clean out my closet, so I finally did, labeling a big box "Skinny Clothes" and putting them in the attic, where they stayed and got even less stylish than they were when I put them there. Months later she talked me into getting rid of them at a yard sale, after which I lost 20 pounds and had to go and buy new skinny clothes, which thankfully I'm still wearing.
I get that I can't accept anything new and wonderful in my life until I accept where I am, and I've seen it happen time and again, in my own life and in others, in big ways and small.
I really do like where I am, but I still hold on to the hope that I'll win the lottery and never have to commute to Apex to work at the McSpa. I'll spend my new free time and money getting my car up to date on its maintenance schedule. And having its sun roof fixed. Or trading it in on a convertible; depends on the size of the jackpot.
I have moments when I'm green with envy over my friends' new toys--mostly Apple products, and mostly when I have PMS--and other times, when I pick up the toys, I realize that the iPad is heavier than I thought it would be, and the iPhone 4 is remarkably similar to my iPhone 3G except that it's shaped slightly differently and can record video (also--it's still not available in white). I'm not sure if disappointment in shiny new technology that I've yet to acquire really helps me be happy where I am . . . but it is less of a big deal that I don't have it yet, so I'll appreciate that.
I am one who, when I don't want to think about something and am trying to cheer myself up about it, buries my head in the sand and pretends nothing is wrong. Today, instead, I checked my online balances, discovered an extra $200 in a little-used account, and scheduled payments to all of my creditors so that I won't be behind on any bills at all come Christmas Eve. Years ago I had my power turned off regularly not because I couldn't afford to pay the bill, but because I forgot.
So that's good.
I still have a little income envy, though. PMS is slow to leave this month, perhaps, or maybe I really am too discontented with where I am and need to keep working on my emotional state when I think about money. I started to do a focus wheel just now, to move myself from envy to being ok with where I am, and I'm wondering . . . is it ok to only be ok with where you are because you think it's temporary?
I have a funny feeling that if I really thought it was temporary I would already be ok with where I am.
Is my job to convince myself that I'm ok, or to convince myself that it's temporary?
When I was young I was convinced that I was fat, and now I weigh more than I did then and realize how skinny I was.
I also thought I didn't have as much money as I wanted, and now I have less.
Yet I look around my house and see all the nice things I have. A giant flat screen television, two really nice guitars and three cheap ones, a blue ukulele, tons of working appliances, a BMW in the driveway (used, to be sure) . . . all of which I appreciate.
I've noticed lately that instead of bemoaning how long it takes Google Maps to load on my phone, it's a joke to see if I can find where I'm going before it can. Generally speaking, I can as long as I'm not going the opposite direction. And the parts of my phone that do work properly I find myself thinking how cool that is. (Not to mention that I replaced it with my girlfriend's hand-me-down same model phone, which has a working headphone jack--bonus.)
So I think what I'll appreciate today is how much better I'm getting at appreciating what I have. What's the point of beating myself up about stuff that only bothers me now and then, when life is really good in the meantime?
Christmas money might go to buy new tires, but I appreciate tires that hold air, and I appreciate the car that they go on.
Sometimes when I talk to myself like this, pointing out what all I have that's wonderful in my life, I feel like I'm consoling myself because I don't have everything yet. I'll never get everything, though, which is part of the joy of life. Today I don't feel consoling at all, but happy, and I appreciate my happiness.
Aforementioned girlfriend just texted me to say she's on her way home, and that's the best part of all.
I never feel like I'm consoling myself when I think about Jessica. She's fucking amazing. I tell her regularly that I won the girlfriend lottery, and I mean it. She's sexy and smart and fun to be with. She's proud to be with me no matter what company we're in. And I know I've mentioned this before, but when we're driving somewhere, and I look over at her with her sunglasses on and the window down, she looks so amazing and carefree and in control that I can't help but feel rich. The world is my oyster, and she is the pearl.
Damn. Gettin' myself all misty-eyed.
I'm not just ok with where I am. I'm fucking thrilled.
If I'm happy with where I am, won't the universe say, "Oh, she's happy now; no point in giving her what she wants"?
Silly fear, but it stays with me.
It reminds me of my ex getting onto me to clean out my closet, so I finally did, labeling a big box "Skinny Clothes" and putting them in the attic, where they stayed and got even less stylish than they were when I put them there. Months later she talked me into getting rid of them at a yard sale, after which I lost 20 pounds and had to go and buy new skinny clothes, which thankfully I'm still wearing.
I get that I can't accept anything new and wonderful in my life until I accept where I am, and I've seen it happen time and again, in my own life and in others, in big ways and small.
I really do like where I am, but I still hold on to the hope that I'll win the lottery and never have to commute to Apex to work at the McSpa. I'll spend my new free time and money getting my car up to date on its maintenance schedule. And having its sun roof fixed. Or trading it in on a convertible; depends on the size of the jackpot.
I have moments when I'm green with envy over my friends' new toys--mostly Apple products, and mostly when I have PMS--and other times, when I pick up the toys, I realize that the iPad is heavier than I thought it would be, and the iPhone 4 is remarkably similar to my iPhone 3G except that it's shaped slightly differently and can record video (also--it's still not available in white). I'm not sure if disappointment in shiny new technology that I've yet to acquire really helps me be happy where I am . . . but it is less of a big deal that I don't have it yet, so I'll appreciate that.
I am one who, when I don't want to think about something and am trying to cheer myself up about it, buries my head in the sand and pretends nothing is wrong. Today, instead, I checked my online balances, discovered an extra $200 in a little-used account, and scheduled payments to all of my creditors so that I won't be behind on any bills at all come Christmas Eve. Years ago I had my power turned off regularly not because I couldn't afford to pay the bill, but because I forgot.
So that's good.
I still have a little income envy, though. PMS is slow to leave this month, perhaps, or maybe I really am too discontented with where I am and need to keep working on my emotional state when I think about money. I started to do a focus wheel just now, to move myself from envy to being ok with where I am, and I'm wondering . . . is it ok to only be ok with where you are because you think it's temporary?
I have a funny feeling that if I really thought it was temporary I would already be ok with where I am.
Is my job to convince myself that I'm ok, or to convince myself that it's temporary?
When I was young I was convinced that I was fat, and now I weigh more than I did then and realize how skinny I was.
I also thought I didn't have as much money as I wanted, and now I have less.
Yet I look around my house and see all the nice things I have. A giant flat screen television, two really nice guitars and three cheap ones, a blue ukulele, tons of working appliances, a BMW in the driveway (used, to be sure) . . . all of which I appreciate.
I've noticed lately that instead of bemoaning how long it takes Google Maps to load on my phone, it's a joke to see if I can find where I'm going before it can. Generally speaking, I can as long as I'm not going the opposite direction. And the parts of my phone that do work properly I find myself thinking how cool that is. (Not to mention that I replaced it with my girlfriend's hand-me-down same model phone, which has a working headphone jack--bonus.)
So I think what I'll appreciate today is how much better I'm getting at appreciating what I have. What's the point of beating myself up about stuff that only bothers me now and then, when life is really good in the meantime?
Christmas money might go to buy new tires, but I appreciate tires that hold air, and I appreciate the car that they go on.
Sometimes when I talk to myself like this, pointing out what all I have that's wonderful in my life, I feel like I'm consoling myself because I don't have everything yet. I'll never get everything, though, which is part of the joy of life. Today I don't feel consoling at all, but happy, and I appreciate my happiness.
Aforementioned girlfriend just texted me to say she's on her way home, and that's the best part of all.
Damn. Gettin' myself all misty-eyed.
I'm not just ok with where I am. I'm fucking thrilled.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
i think i think too much . . .
'Tis the holiday season, and with holidays come less work and more bills, at least at the McSpa. Well, that's not true: tips have been great, but we're closed (no pay or tips) for four prime money-making days in the next couple of weeks. Strange how these events coincide.
I've been doing a lot of focus wheels lately, with general improvement in attitude which waxes and wanes depending on whether I focus on what's in front of me (my bank account) or what's inside me (happiness and love and other sappy shit). So, I follow Abraham's advice and focus on what makes me happy until I feel better, and then I deal with the money. Even Abraham says ignoring the money altogether is not a good idea, and they're all about only thinking good thoughts.
What's weird is that whenever I think about money too much, and try to focus on good stuff and believe that more comes, I get this urge to work on my novel, which I've been ignoring. The reason I've been ignoring it is because I don't want the expectation of more money to be attached to writing a best-selling blockbuster-type Great American Novel that changes the way the world looks at everything that's important to me.
Also, if I do get the idea that that's where more money will come from, there's the waiting for it--the idea nothing new will come until I finish--but I'm waiting anyway, so what's the difference?
Wouldn't it be nice if I could guarantee that more money would come if I worked on my book? And from a separate source, like a winning lottery ticket?
My girlfriend, by the way, has suggested that maybe I do a focus wheel about obsessing over money too much. There are many reasons I love her, including common sense. It doesn't hurt that she's super-hot, too.
I have this weird thing, the idea that when something becomes my livelihood, it becomes work and thus is no longer fun. I've never had a livelihood that was really fun, though I do enjoy massage, so it's a completely unfounded belief. The flip side of this is the idea that if something is fun, it inherently won't bring money.
I can see why Abraham recommends just focusing on good thoughts and not worrying about where the things you want come from. "Follow your bliss," a la Joseph Campbell, and you will allow the universe to fall into place around you rather than trying to force it.
I kind of suck at that sometimes. It's easier to worry and work, or stick my head in the sand and pretend nothing's going on. This is not vortex-y, life-is-good behavior.
One thought I find comforting is the idea that I don't have to stay happy all the time to have an overall happy life. Oh, the pressure of happiness! I can't take it! And when I remove the pressure to feel happy, I feel relief, which is closer to happiness than trying to be happy.
And it's ok to not worry about money even if you don't have enough as long as you're not stupid about it. I have been stupid about it in the past--spending money I didn't have, ignoring bills and buying toys to comfort myself, which just makes me worry more and push thoughts of fiscal responsibility to the back of my head. Worrying really doesn't get you anywhere. I can see where it has taken my mother, and that reminds me poignantly to just do what I can and remain calm, enjoying everything that's good about my life.
And what is good about my life? Pretty much everything. I look up and see Jessica frowning at her computer typing, her hair falling out of her braid and over her face in the way that I love. I'm still in my robe at 10:30 in the morning, drinking coffee and am about to enjoy biscuits and gravy on a lovely slushy snow day. My cat is actually lying next to me rather than climbing all over me. I have two massage appointments today at the corporation where I go every other week, both with nice people whom I enjoy working on. We're having Hungarian mushroom soup with friends tonight (yum). We have a live Christmas tree with blue LED lights and tons of presents under it. Casper, the French bulldog, is meditating, while Meeko, the mutt, is taking up as much room as she can in the bed they're sharing. Dmitri, the husky, survived his Furminator treatment yesterday, and is sacked out on the wood floor. Massive Attack is on the stereo.
And I have the beginnings of a novel I really want to write in this very computer.
We were going to wait until January to start the revision process on our novels, but I feel a little restless about it. I have an urge to write.
And thus I follow my bliss, and let the money worry about itself.
I've been doing a lot of focus wheels lately, with general improvement in attitude which waxes and wanes depending on whether I focus on what's in front of me (my bank account) or what's inside me (happiness and love and other sappy shit). So, I follow Abraham's advice and focus on what makes me happy until I feel better, and then I deal with the money. Even Abraham says ignoring the money altogether is not a good idea, and they're all about only thinking good thoughts.
What's weird is that whenever I think about money too much, and try to focus on good stuff and believe that more comes, I get this urge to work on my novel, which I've been ignoring. The reason I've been ignoring it is because I don't want the expectation of more money to be attached to writing a best-selling blockbuster-type Great American Novel that changes the way the world looks at everything that's important to me.
Also, if I do get the idea that that's where more money will come from, there's the waiting for it--the idea nothing new will come until I finish--but I'm waiting anyway, so what's the difference?
Wouldn't it be nice if I could guarantee that more money would come if I worked on my book? And from a separate source, like a winning lottery ticket?
My girlfriend, by the way, has suggested that maybe I do a focus wheel about obsessing over money too much. There are many reasons I love her, including common sense. It doesn't hurt that she's super-hot, too.
I have this weird thing, the idea that when something becomes my livelihood, it becomes work and thus is no longer fun. I've never had a livelihood that was really fun, though I do enjoy massage, so it's a completely unfounded belief. The flip side of this is the idea that if something is fun, it inherently won't bring money.
I can see why Abraham recommends just focusing on good thoughts and not worrying about where the things you want come from. "Follow your bliss," a la Joseph Campbell, and you will allow the universe to fall into place around you rather than trying to force it.
I kind of suck at that sometimes. It's easier to worry and work, or stick my head in the sand and pretend nothing's going on. This is not vortex-y, life-is-good behavior.
One thought I find comforting is the idea that I don't have to stay happy all the time to have an overall happy life. Oh, the pressure of happiness! I can't take it! And when I remove the pressure to feel happy, I feel relief, which is closer to happiness than trying to be happy.
And it's ok to not worry about money even if you don't have enough as long as you're not stupid about it. I have been stupid about it in the past--spending money I didn't have, ignoring bills and buying toys to comfort myself, which just makes me worry more and push thoughts of fiscal responsibility to the back of my head. Worrying really doesn't get you anywhere. I can see where it has taken my mother, and that reminds me poignantly to just do what I can and remain calm, enjoying everything that's good about my life.
And what is good about my life? Pretty much everything. I look up and see Jessica frowning at her computer typing, her hair falling out of her braid and over her face in the way that I love. I'm still in my robe at 10:30 in the morning, drinking coffee and am about to enjoy biscuits and gravy on a lovely slushy snow day. My cat is actually lying next to me rather than climbing all over me. I have two massage appointments today at the corporation where I go every other week, both with nice people whom I enjoy working on. We're having Hungarian mushroom soup with friends tonight (yum). We have a live Christmas tree with blue LED lights and tons of presents under it. Casper, the French bulldog, is meditating, while Meeko, the mutt, is taking up as much room as she can in the bed they're sharing. Dmitri, the husky, survived his Furminator treatment yesterday, and is sacked out on the wood floor. Massive Attack is on the stereo.
And I have the beginnings of a novel I really want to write in this very computer.
We were going to wait until January to start the revision process on our novels, but I feel a little restless about it. I have an urge to write.
And thus I follow my bliss, and let the money worry about itself.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
deep thots
While doing a couple of focus wheels, I kept thinking about a post my friend Ram made on FaceBook yesterday:
When I left Christianity, and even before, I dreamed of enlightenment--a life in which I knew I was one with the Universe and could see the strings tying us all together. It would come suddenly, like it did to Neo at the end of The Matrix, and afterward life would still have its trials, but I would be master of them.
I searched my own scriptures--literature and commentaries on Eastern religions--for evidence of this. I became a huge fan of Aldous Huxley and his concept of a perennial philosophy, and of Alan Watts in general. I'm still a fan of these.
I love the concept of there being some universal truth that we keep knocking at the door of, that keeps rising up throughout history despite man's attempts to hide it and so to control his fellow men.
I also love the concept of wu wei, the idea of doing-without-doing, or non-doing, that Watts describes so eloquently in his book, Tao: The Watercourse Way.
Both these men are proponents of being present, of being in the here and now, of knowing who you are and where you are and living right now, not in the borrowed troubles of yesterday and tomorrow. They're both also proponents of the concept that the truth, the best, the most perfect is within you rather than without.
I read these sorts of books for years, picking up more from some than from others, and I still delve into them occasionally and love the concepts that become more clear to me because of them.
So how did I move from this being my primary philosophical material to listening to a middle-aged woman from the Midwest speaking from her own "higher self"?
Abraham speaks more simply, which I need sometimes. Sometimes--most of the time, actually--I like deep thoughts, and philosophical concepts, and to make connections between disparate ideas and speakers, reinforcing my ideas of what a few universal truths might be. Sometimes, though, I want a pick-me-up, a plain-talking how-to manual complete with written exercises on how to be happier, how to be me.
Joseph Campbell advised, "Follow your bliss." How is that different from Esther/Abraham's advice that the most important thing is to feel good? I used to wonder if "feeling good" the way they spell it out was shallow or hedonistic; truly feeling good, though, is neither.
It's fulfilling.
It's interesting.
It's joyous.
It's fun.
It's why we came here.
I don't know what Ram's thinking. (Yeah, I know it's a weird name. His full name is Ramage. Not Ramage-pronounced rah-majh, Indian-style, but Ramage like the power inflicted when ramming something. Deal.) I know that if I had posted something like that seven years ago, soon after leaving Christianity, if FaceBook had existed at the time, I would have been hoping that enlightenment, like salvation, would come suddenly, like the second coming, like Enlightenment to Neo, and that it would be visited upon me when I least expected it, like Christ coming "like a thief in the night," after paying appropriate penance--no, not penance, but the penance-like activity of meditation--and . . . well, it was all tangled up like that. Basically, it would come suddenly, and as a blessing, from outside, even though I knew in my head it was supposed to come from within. The idea of chopping wood or carrying water afterward seemed both noble and mundane.
Abraham's idea of being in the Vortex is my new picture of Enlightenment. Maybe Enlightenment is the state of being in the Vortex more often than not.
When I was a nurse in New Orleans my friend Lucy told me, when I complained that I wasn't enlightened yet, that she thought I was already enlightened. I tried to give the credit to Jesus, that I was conscious of how I thought and felt and acted because of him. I'm just as conscious now, and a little more honest. When I feel my own "dark night of the soul," I take it upon myself to get myself in a better place, rather than waiting for special dispensation from god.
I'm not saying that I'm better than Mother Teresa, by any means, in that regard. Realizing, though, that god isn't just in me but is me, though, gives me a lot more responsibility for how I'm feeling about god, and how god's feeling about me, for that matter. I've found that realization pretty life- and perspective-changing, and it gets a little more so the more I practice that sort of self-empowerment.
Life isn't about putting in years of suffering to come to a reward later--suffering through meditation to come to enlightenment, or suffering through persecution to make it to god's Heaven.
My dad used to say that his black-eyed peas tasted better because he's a Christian than they would if he weren't. Perhaps his faith led him to appreciate black-eyed peas better than I ever could. I don't know.
I do know, though, that the things that I appreciate are better when I'm actively appreciating them. (Please don't ever ask me to appreciate black-eyed peas. Yuck.)
I appreciate my life. I appreciate my girlfriend (she's fucking amazing; have I mentioned that lately?). I appreciate the tips I get at work. And with every moment of appreciation, those great things become even greater. The tips getting better are even quantifiable.
With every new realization, clarification, or samadhi-moment, comes the knowledge that there's that much more that I don't know. And what's really beautiful is that it's beautiful.
There are times that I want to know everything all at once.
There are more times that I really love the act of discovery, which wouldn't be possible if I knew everything at once.
And I think that's all I have to say today. Life is good.
Enlightenment is not like a sudden realization of something mysterious. Enlightenment is nothing but awakening from illusions and returning to the reality of life.
Yesterday at 3:44am via Kindle ·
- Ram That concept is a complete disappointment... Reminds me (not sure why) of this: http://www.time.com/time/world/article/0,8599,1655415,00.html
When I left Christianity, and even before, I dreamed of enlightenment--a life in which I knew I was one with the Universe and could see the strings tying us all together. It would come suddenly, like it did to Neo at the end of The Matrix, and afterward life would still have its trials, but I would be master of them.
I searched my own scriptures--literature and commentaries on Eastern religions--for evidence of this. I became a huge fan of Aldous Huxley and his concept of a perennial philosophy, and of Alan Watts in general. I'm still a fan of these.
I love the concept of there being some universal truth that we keep knocking at the door of, that keeps rising up throughout history despite man's attempts to hide it and so to control his fellow men.
I also love the concept of wu wei, the idea of doing-without-doing, or non-doing, that Watts describes so eloquently in his book, Tao: The Watercourse Way.
Both these men are proponents of being present, of being in the here and now, of knowing who you are and where you are and living right now, not in the borrowed troubles of yesterday and tomorrow. They're both also proponents of the concept that the truth, the best, the most perfect is within you rather than without.
I read these sorts of books for years, picking up more from some than from others, and I still delve into them occasionally and love the concepts that become more clear to me because of them.
So how did I move from this being my primary philosophical material to listening to a middle-aged woman from the Midwest speaking from her own "higher self"?
Abraham speaks more simply, which I need sometimes. Sometimes--most of the time, actually--I like deep thoughts, and philosophical concepts, and to make connections between disparate ideas and speakers, reinforcing my ideas of what a few universal truths might be. Sometimes, though, I want a pick-me-up, a plain-talking how-to manual complete with written exercises on how to be happier, how to be me.
Joseph Campbell advised, "Follow your bliss." How is that different from Esther/Abraham's advice that the most important thing is to feel good? I used to wonder if "feeling good" the way they spell it out was shallow or hedonistic; truly feeling good, though, is neither.
It's fulfilling.
It's interesting.
It's joyous.
It's fun.
It's why we came here.
I don't know what Ram's thinking. (Yeah, I know it's a weird name. His full name is Ramage. Not Ramage-pronounced rah-majh, Indian-style, but Ramage like the power inflicted when ramming something. Deal.) I know that if I had posted something like that seven years ago, soon after leaving Christianity, if FaceBook had existed at the time, I would have been hoping that enlightenment, like salvation, would come suddenly, like the second coming, like Enlightenment to Neo, and that it would be visited upon me when I least expected it, like Christ coming "like a thief in the night," after paying appropriate penance--no, not penance, but the penance-like activity of meditation--and . . . well, it was all tangled up like that. Basically, it would come suddenly, and as a blessing, from outside, even though I knew in my head it was supposed to come from within. The idea of chopping wood or carrying water afterward seemed both noble and mundane.
Abraham's idea of being in the Vortex is my new picture of Enlightenment. Maybe Enlightenment is the state of being in the Vortex more often than not.
When I was a nurse in New Orleans my friend Lucy told me, when I complained that I wasn't enlightened yet, that she thought I was already enlightened. I tried to give the credit to Jesus, that I was conscious of how I thought and felt and acted because of him. I'm just as conscious now, and a little more honest. When I feel my own "dark night of the soul," I take it upon myself to get myself in a better place, rather than waiting for special dispensation from god.
I'm not saying that I'm better than Mother Teresa, by any means, in that regard. Realizing, though, that god isn't just in me but is me, though, gives me a lot more responsibility for how I'm feeling about god, and how god's feeling about me, for that matter. I've found that realization pretty life- and perspective-changing, and it gets a little more so the more I practice that sort of self-empowerment.
Life isn't about putting in years of suffering to come to a reward later--suffering through meditation to come to enlightenment, or suffering through persecution to make it to god's Heaven.
My dad used to say that his black-eyed peas tasted better because he's a Christian than they would if he weren't. Perhaps his faith led him to appreciate black-eyed peas better than I ever could. I don't know.
I do know, though, that the things that I appreciate are better when I'm actively appreciating them. (Please don't ever ask me to appreciate black-eyed peas. Yuck.)
I appreciate my life. I appreciate my girlfriend (she's fucking amazing; have I mentioned that lately?). I appreciate the tips I get at work. And with every moment of appreciation, those great things become even greater. The tips getting better are even quantifiable.
With every new realization, clarification, or samadhi-moment, comes the knowledge that there's that much more that I don't know. And what's really beautiful is that it's beautiful.
There are times that I want to know everything all at once.
There are more times that I really love the act of discovery, which wouldn't be possible if I knew everything at once.
And I think that's all I have to say today. Life is good.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
focus wheels
I'd been struggling a bit with the idea that I'll get discouraged with the whole alignment-with-source-energy thing eventually, and just quit. Or else I might struggle and struggle and never be able to change my vibrational setpoint, and spend the rest of my life somewhere between frustration and hope and never allow any physical manifestation. I've never manifested riches or a best-selling novel before, and physical evidence (or lack thereof) does tend to weigh heavily on my beliefs.
I was thinking and thinking about this, and yesterday in my car Abraham spoke to the very topic. It's all about raising your vibrational setpoint, getting to expectation, and until yesterday I didn't have much of a grasp on how to do that. I had some vague ideas, but only vague plans to implement those ideas in my life. Yesterday's listen gave me the impetus to start today, and I am having a really good day now.
The pithy statement that Abraham made in the middle of his spiel on the whole matter is this:
"The Universe is responding to your vibration, and your vibration is a habit you can change."
You can look at it as a habit, or as Law of Attraction bringing the same thoughts to you that you currently tend to think, but it all boils down to the same thing: find any way you can to think better thoughts and feel better feelings, and keep doing it until that's the habit, or what the universe brings to you, or whatever.
You've got to admit, you pretty much get what you expect, if not in specifics, at least in life in general. Think about the saying, "Life is hard." People who say that generally have hard lives, or at least perceive their lives as hard. (Voltaire is credited [possibly falsely] with replying to the question, "Compared to what?")
Even if a higher vibrational setpoint doesn't bring any physical evidence of an improved life, I can't imagine a better life than one spent always expecting the best and never being attached to when or how it might come. I like happy people, and I like being one of them. I'm doing what I can to stay that way, and to get happier and happier as my life progresses.
Abraham's quote above reminds me of something else he's said: A belief is only a repeated thought, and a truth is only a repeated belief. If we want to look at truth as something that we can see and show to others on this physical plane, or document with news stories or historical data, we can think of it as a post-manifestational belief. In other words, if what's physically real is truth, and people generally get what they expect, then truth is only a belief held long enough, firmly enough to bring about physical stuff.
So I'm going about changing my beliefs, and I'm taking Abraham's advice to just keep slogging away at them until they're more in alignment with what I want them to be. Abraham recommended focus wheels to help change that sort of thing (in a different conversation than the one noted above), and suggested that ten or fifteen focus wheels later the individual should feel a tangible shift in alignment.
So I did two today. If you're not familiar with focus wheels, it's Process #17 in Ask and It Is Given. If you don't have a copy, a Google search will yield all sorts of instructions, instructional videos and templates to make your very own focus wheel.
The belief/desire I started with for the first one is this: "I fear I can never change my vibration. I want to change my vibrational setpoint." I wrote that at the top of a page, drew a big circle with a smaller circle inside it, and wrote my desired outcome in the smaller circle: "I can and will be a match to source energy."
I then wrote these twelve statements around the wheel, beliefs I already have, each growing stronger than the last due to the improved emotion I felt from the last:
1. In a lot of ways my life is pretty damn good already.
2. I like how I feel about changes in my beliefs that I've already made.
3. The teachings of Abraham resonate truth in me.
4. I like how I feel when I think that I'm source energy.
5. I feel that I really am source energy, and when I remember that I feel strong and powerful.
6. If I really am source energy (which I do believe), then of course I can come into alignment with myself.
7. I don't have to figure this all out in one day.
8. I can relax and know that I really am changing my vibration.
9. I like feeling happy.
10. I like thinking that I really can change my life by changing my beliefs.
11. I know how to change how I feel.
12. The only thing I need to focus on is changing how I feel.
I then drew another circle around my desired belief in the middle, which sounded a lot more plausible by this point.
I thought of a couple more focus wheels I wanted to do then, and was so excited by the time I finished the second one that I didn't feel the need to do the third. The statement is in my notebook for me to do one when I feel the need to. I'll keep pulling myself up to these feelings until they're my new norm and I can reach even higher.
So here's the second one:
belief/desire: "I fear I will get bored with Abraham and return to my old negative ways, or stall at a midpoint on the feeling better/getting aligned journey. I want to continue to feel better and better for the rest of my life."
In the center of the circle I wrote, "I expect more and more fun and familiarity with the Law of Attraction and using it to my advantage."
Then something interesting happened when I started to write around the wheel. Here are my statements:
1. I really, really like working with Abraham's concepts.
2. It's easy for me to practice anything as long as I find it interesting.
3. Things are always interesting as long as they feel good, and feeling good is the whole point of Abraham's teachings.
4. I'm interested today, and that's all the really matters.
5. It's fun to find parallels and examples in my life and others' lives that demonstrate the Law of Attraction.
6. It's fun to develop my own beliefs and find my own truths.
7. I only have to hang on to the parts that resonate with me, and all the good parts do.
8. It's really not about following Abraham at all, but about following my self.
9. I love trusting my self over any one else.
10. I love the idea of being in the vortex; it's my old idea of enlightenment (I was very interested in Eastern religions for years).
11. I can only find ultimate truth within myself, and I now know it's there; I've always felt it's there.
12. I love the idea that love and joy and peace and freedom are all the same, and all within my self.
Then I went back to circle the statement I had written in the middle, and decided I liked another better:
I expect my joy to increase and to always be fascinated by life and the truth I find within myself. There is no truth without joy, and no joy without truth.
And now I feel like basking. So I think I shall.
I was thinking and thinking about this, and yesterday in my car Abraham spoke to the very topic. It's all about raising your vibrational setpoint, getting to expectation, and until yesterday I didn't have much of a grasp on how to do that. I had some vague ideas, but only vague plans to implement those ideas in my life. Yesterday's listen gave me the impetus to start today, and I am having a really good day now.
The pithy statement that Abraham made in the middle of his spiel on the whole matter is this:
"The Universe is responding to your vibration, and your vibration is a habit you can change."
You can look at it as a habit, or as Law of Attraction bringing the same thoughts to you that you currently tend to think, but it all boils down to the same thing: find any way you can to think better thoughts and feel better feelings, and keep doing it until that's the habit, or what the universe brings to you, or whatever.
You've got to admit, you pretty much get what you expect, if not in specifics, at least in life in general. Think about the saying, "Life is hard." People who say that generally have hard lives, or at least perceive their lives as hard. (Voltaire is credited [possibly falsely] with replying to the question, "Compared to what?")
Even if a higher vibrational setpoint doesn't bring any physical evidence of an improved life, I can't imagine a better life than one spent always expecting the best and never being attached to when or how it might come. I like happy people, and I like being one of them. I'm doing what I can to stay that way, and to get happier and happier as my life progresses.
Abraham's quote above reminds me of something else he's said: A belief is only a repeated thought, and a truth is only a repeated belief. If we want to look at truth as something that we can see and show to others on this physical plane, or document with news stories or historical data, we can think of it as a post-manifestational belief. In other words, if what's physically real is truth, and people generally get what they expect, then truth is only a belief held long enough, firmly enough to bring about physical stuff.
So I'm going about changing my beliefs, and I'm taking Abraham's advice to just keep slogging away at them until they're more in alignment with what I want them to be. Abraham recommended focus wheels to help change that sort of thing (in a different conversation than the one noted above), and suggested that ten or fifteen focus wheels later the individual should feel a tangible shift in alignment.
So I did two today. If you're not familiar with focus wheels, it's Process #17 in Ask and It Is Given. If you don't have a copy, a Google search will yield all sorts of instructions, instructional videos and templates to make your very own focus wheel.
The belief/desire I started with for the first one is this: "I fear I can never change my vibration. I want to change my vibrational setpoint." I wrote that at the top of a page, drew a big circle with a smaller circle inside it, and wrote my desired outcome in the smaller circle: "I can and will be a match to source energy."
I then wrote these twelve statements around the wheel, beliefs I already have, each growing stronger than the last due to the improved emotion I felt from the last:
1. In a lot of ways my life is pretty damn good already.
2. I like how I feel about changes in my beliefs that I've already made.
3. The teachings of Abraham resonate truth in me.
4. I like how I feel when I think that I'm source energy.
5. I feel that I really am source energy, and when I remember that I feel strong and powerful.
6. If I really am source energy (which I do believe), then of course I can come into alignment with myself.
7. I don't have to figure this all out in one day.
8. I can relax and know that I really am changing my vibration.
9. I like feeling happy.
10. I like thinking that I really can change my life by changing my beliefs.
11. I know how to change how I feel.
12. The only thing I need to focus on is changing how I feel.
I then drew another circle around my desired belief in the middle, which sounded a lot more plausible by this point.
I thought of a couple more focus wheels I wanted to do then, and was so excited by the time I finished the second one that I didn't feel the need to do the third. The statement is in my notebook for me to do one when I feel the need to. I'll keep pulling myself up to these feelings until they're my new norm and I can reach even higher.
So here's the second one:
belief/desire: "I fear I will get bored with Abraham and return to my old negative ways, or stall at a midpoint on the feeling better/getting aligned journey. I want to continue to feel better and better for the rest of my life."
In the center of the circle I wrote, "I expect more and more fun and familiarity with the Law of Attraction and using it to my advantage."
Then something interesting happened when I started to write around the wheel. Here are my statements:
1. I really, really like working with Abraham's concepts.
2. It's easy for me to practice anything as long as I find it interesting.
3. Things are always interesting as long as they feel good, and feeling good is the whole point of Abraham's teachings.
4. I'm interested today, and that's all the really matters.
5. It's fun to find parallels and examples in my life and others' lives that demonstrate the Law of Attraction.
6. It's fun to develop my own beliefs and find my own truths.
7. I only have to hang on to the parts that resonate with me, and all the good parts do.
8. It's really not about following Abraham at all, but about following my self.
9. I love trusting my self over any one else.
10. I love the idea of being in the vortex; it's my old idea of enlightenment (I was very interested in Eastern religions for years).
11. I can only find ultimate truth within myself, and I now know it's there; I've always felt it's there.
12. I love the idea that love and joy and peace and freedom are all the same, and all within my self.
Then I went back to circle the statement I had written in the middle, and decided I liked another better:
I expect my joy to increase and to always be fascinated by life and the truth I find within myself. There is no truth without joy, and no joy without truth.
And now I feel like basking. So I think I shall.
Monday, December 6, 2010
it's all good news
The good news:
I completed NaNoWriMo! 50,000 words in 30 days (or less), and I did it. Not only that, but I did it using concepts I learned from Abraham-Hicks.
I've long been discouraged by writing books that say things like, "When the going gets tough, the tough get writing," or some such nonsense. They're well-meaning, I know, and I believe they're operating under the basic premise that if you write when you don't feel like it, you'll find yourself in the groove soon enough and it won't be a problem.
The problem with this approach, for me, is that it points out that there will be tough going on your project, at some point. I know there likely will be tough spots to work through, but pointing that out when I'm first getting started is hardly motivating.
Also, if I am having a tough time, telling myself to just slog through it even though I don't feel like it inspires my inner rebel. "Slog through it?" I say. "I don't think so!" and so my creative juices freeze up on purpose just to prove that they can.
So when I got stuck last month writing, I decided two things:
1. It's ok to take a day off.
2. I'll concentrate on how much I enjoy writing instead of just trying to slog through when I don't feel like it.
I did do some slogging, though, and I found that it was easy to move into enjoying it because of those two decisions.
I do, in fact, enjoy writing. Even when the story isn't going where I think it was supposed to go, I enjoy putting words on the page, feeling my characters' emotions (good or bad), imagining how the book will turn out after finishing touches, and ignoring the urge to fix everything the first time around because it just slows a person down. At least, that's what I've heard from Anne Lamott, who is an enthusiastic proponent of the idea of writing shitty first drafts.
So now I have a lovely first draft that needs a lot of work, but the basic idea is there. Is definitely there, and that's farther than I've ever gotten up to this point, and it's exciting.
Good news number two: My mom invited Jessica to come to Thanksgiving. Of course, the invitation was extended after I'd committed to work that week and we'd invited Jessica's father over for Thanksgiving lunch, so we didn't travel, but she invited her, and apologized for . . . well, I'm not sure specifically for what, but she definitely apologized.
She left it all on my voicemail Wednesday, and I spoke to her Thanksgiving day after writing a long email Wednesday night explaining about my beliefs, which she hadn't read at that point. I'm still not sure if she's read it; her email wasn't working at the time. I've decided I'll just let it lay, or lie, or whatever, and be open to discuss the email if she brings it up. So my mom and I are speaking now, and there haven't been any more warnings about AIDS or questions about where both of us went wrong for me to end up a lesbian.
Good news #3: I have leftover curry. Yum.
Good news #4: This bit didn't feel like good news at the time, but it's actually very good news now that I've thought about it.
During November, I didn't blog, didn't listen to much Jerry & Esther, and went on vacation a bit. As a result, I didn't practice my affirmations or other thought skills. No processes, not much of anything except curiosity about what would happen in the novel I'm writing next.
The result? Not only did my overall income drop because of fewer hours worked, but my tips were noticeably lower as well. Noticeably.
Quick results.
And this is good news because . . .?
Because it reminds me that what I think really does affect what goes on in my life. Focus on the negative, attract more negative, push away the positive. Focus on the positive--miracles happen. :)
So I'm starting my affirmations again, stuff like, "I average $20/hour in tips."
I also realized that there's a very big part of me that thinks that even if the Law of Attraction stuff is true, there's no way I'll figure out how to use it to my advantage, because I never have. I've started using focus wheels to shift my beliefs regarding that. You can find some templates for focus wheels and other Abraham-Hicks processes here.
So it's a good thing, really. I see proof that the Law of Attraction works in both directions, and I can see proof that I've used it in both directions. This inspires me to use it for good.
I'd also like to say that Jessica is totally down with practicing the Law of Attraction stuff with me, and we've made some affirmations and a positive aspects page to get started with. It was more fun than watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which, if you know me, is saying a lot, and it makes me happy that it's something we can do together. Also, it makes me happy that it makes sense to her to be conscious of how and what she's thinking, and to realize that it affects not only her attitude but her life at large. We're good for reminding each other of these things, and when I was down in the dumps about the temporary slower influx of money, she suggested I listen to some Abraham to cheer myself up. Very cool. Plus, it worked.
I think that's all for today. :) Happy December!
I've long been discouraged by writing books that say things like, "When the going gets tough, the tough get writing," or some such nonsense. They're well-meaning, I know, and I believe they're operating under the basic premise that if you write when you don't feel like it, you'll find yourself in the groove soon enough and it won't be a problem.
The problem with this approach, for me, is that it points out that there will be tough going on your project, at some point. I know there likely will be tough spots to work through, but pointing that out when I'm first getting started is hardly motivating.
Also, if I am having a tough time, telling myself to just slog through it even though I don't feel like it inspires my inner rebel. "Slog through it?" I say. "I don't think so!" and so my creative juices freeze up on purpose just to prove that they can.
So when I got stuck last month writing, I decided two things:
1. It's ok to take a day off.
2. I'll concentrate on how much I enjoy writing instead of just trying to slog through when I don't feel like it.
I did do some slogging, though, and I found that it was easy to move into enjoying it because of those two decisions.
I do, in fact, enjoy writing. Even when the story isn't going where I think it was supposed to go, I enjoy putting words on the page, feeling my characters' emotions (good or bad), imagining how the book will turn out after finishing touches, and ignoring the urge to fix everything the first time around because it just slows a person down. At least, that's what I've heard from Anne Lamott, who is an enthusiastic proponent of the idea of writing shitty first drafts.
So now I have a lovely first draft that needs a lot of work, but the basic idea is there. Is definitely there, and that's farther than I've ever gotten up to this point, and it's exciting.
Good news number two: My mom invited Jessica to come to Thanksgiving. Of course, the invitation was extended after I'd committed to work that week and we'd invited Jessica's father over for Thanksgiving lunch, so we didn't travel, but she invited her, and apologized for . . . well, I'm not sure specifically for what, but she definitely apologized.
She left it all on my voicemail Wednesday, and I spoke to her Thanksgiving day after writing a long email Wednesday night explaining about my beliefs, which she hadn't read at that point. I'm still not sure if she's read it; her email wasn't working at the time. I've decided I'll just let it lay, or lie, or whatever, and be open to discuss the email if she brings it up. So my mom and I are speaking now, and there haven't been any more warnings about AIDS or questions about where both of us went wrong for me to end up a lesbian.
Good news #3: I have leftover curry. Yum.
Good news #4: This bit didn't feel like good news at the time, but it's actually very good news now that I've thought about it.
During November, I didn't blog, didn't listen to much Jerry & Esther, and went on vacation a bit. As a result, I didn't practice my affirmations or other thought skills. No processes, not much of anything except curiosity about what would happen in the novel I'm writing next.
The result? Not only did my overall income drop because of fewer hours worked, but my tips were noticeably lower as well. Noticeably.
Quick results.
And this is good news because . . .?
Because it reminds me that what I think really does affect what goes on in my life. Focus on the negative, attract more negative, push away the positive. Focus on the positive--miracles happen. :)
So I'm starting my affirmations again, stuff like, "I average $20/hour in tips."
I also realized that there's a very big part of me that thinks that even if the Law of Attraction stuff is true, there's no way I'll figure out how to use it to my advantage, because I never have. I've started using focus wheels to shift my beliefs regarding that. You can find some templates for focus wheels and other Abraham-Hicks processes here.
So it's a good thing, really. I see proof that the Law of Attraction works in both directions, and I can see proof that I've used it in both directions. This inspires me to use it for good.
I'd also like to say that Jessica is totally down with practicing the Law of Attraction stuff with me, and we've made some affirmations and a positive aspects page to get started with. It was more fun than watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which, if you know me, is saying a lot, and it makes me happy that it's something we can do together. Also, it makes me happy that it makes sense to her to be conscious of how and what she's thinking, and to realize that it affects not only her attitude but her life at large. We're good for reminding each other of these things, and when I was down in the dumps about the temporary slower influx of money, she suggested I listen to some Abraham to cheer myself up. Very cool. Plus, it worked.
I think that's all for today. :) Happy December!
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