The throbbing toe

Abraham says that if your cause of discomfort is too intense to imagine a better feeling or better situation, it might be a good idea to distract yourself into feeling better. If you stub your toe, rather than imagining a happy, healthy foot, go to the movies.

I totally see the logic in that, at least as far as throbbing toes goes, but it feels a bit like cheating in other situations.

This morning I made my manifestation list I mentioned yesterday. My fountain pen is functional again, and my notebook has two more pages of scribbles. I came up with good reasons to believe I'll end up with an iPhone 4, a published novel, a paid off mortgage. The novel was most fun; I have ideas for how it will be easily edited and published, and really, six or seven double-spaced pages per day isn't that difficult for me to come up with. I've made a deal with Jessica that there will be no television until the day's quota is met, and I really love the idea of sitting in the living room with a little music in the background, clicking away at our keyboards. So, yes, I'm really excited about that.

I got to the fourth item on my list--actually, it was the first, but I saved the reasoning to believe until last because I figured I could do with a little momentum--and . . . well, it's hard to come up with reasons to believe my relationship with my mom will improve just a whole lot.

She really does mean well, and she really believes all that bullshit about god sending people to hell for silly reasons like not believing in him. Egotistical bastard. Those thoughts don't bring me closer to feeling better. In fact, it makes her seem farther away. She'll eventually miss me and shut up about it, yet I know it will be a worrisome subtext of our relationship. I'll eventually come up with something to say that won't send her over the edge yet allows me to remain true to myself. I've no idea what that something might be. And so my list goes--every attempt to improve my attitude ends at a stomach lurch, and I wonder if her eventual death will be what brings us closer. Morbid, I know, but if Abraham is right, death isn't really death. And she'll feel better then.

I feel sorry for her, and I'm angry with her, and neither of these are vortex-y feelings.

So--I have this emotional stubbed toe, but I feel like distracting myself from it is cheating. There are a lot of "ought"s at work here. I ought to know what to say to her. I ought to work hard to make it better. Working hard doesn't help that much, though, especially if you start out with a knot in your stomach. She ought to care enough about me to get over her programming, but then I can't really expect that. She really believes that shit; letting go of it would leave her without ground to stand on. I know; I let go of it myself a number of years ago. It was some time before I found a real bit of earth to plant my feet on, but it's much firmer than the illusion of religion. I always felt shaky when I was there.

My mom is, like I used to be, primarily motivated by fear. I can't believe that it's purely due to brain chemistry. Fucked up beliefs really do fuck with a person's head, and it's impossible to live a balanced life if you spend too much time with your fucked up beliefs. There are mentally healthy christians out there, but I find that they gloss over the dogma about hell and punishment and judgment.

So I obsess over it a little, but mostly I ignore and distract. And it is nice to think about writing, about painting the bathroom; it will be nice to actually paint the bathroom today, and even nicer to have two rooms just the way we want them. It's nice to sit here on the sofa and type this all out in my robe with my coffee.

I haven't spoken to my mom in over two weeks. Is it really ok to just ignore her until I feel up to talking to her? I'm not trying to punish her; I just don't have anything to say, and it's painful to listen to her.

And writing about all this will, perhaps, just attract more of the same. So I'm off to get dressed, to paint the bathroom, to imagine writing and having an iPhone 4 or whatever else sounds pleasant.