When I was a kid, that's how I signed my name. As a matter of fact, I think that lasted through high school and maybe a little of college, too.
I *knew* that I'd be an author. That I'd write young adult and/or sci fi. I had characters running around in my head having adventures that are still going on today. They've evolved quite a bit since I was twelve. I thought I was being edgy when I imagined them having premarital sex and now they're all bisexual and polyamorous, for example. There are generations of them, and they're all very dear to my heart.
I've started writing many times over the years, in school and out, but I've always started with a bang and then wandered off into discouragement after a few chapters. I'm good at beginnings and endings, but the middle part eludes me. I've tried methods of outlining (I think it would really help if I had some sort of template to go by) but I always feel like I'm making up random stuff to put in the middle, so I lose interest and get discouraged.
Many people have suggested starting with short stories, which sort of makes sense, but sort of doesn't. I don't even like reading short stories, and while I've written a couple, they don't feel meaty enough to keep my interest. Novels are where it's at as far as I'm concerned.
So whenever Abraham answers a question from someone in a creative endeavor, my ears always perk up and I begin taking mental notes. I've pushed the writing idea to the back of my mind for a long time, and getting back into this Law of Attraction stuff reminds me that that's the biggest thing waiting for me in my vortex.
I wonder if my fear of undertaking a writing project again is an emotional indicator that it's not time to start yet, or if it's a manifestation of some belief I have that I'll never get it done and that it'll be a lot of work for nothing. I feel my excitement rising, though, which adds a jittery edge to the fear, and I'm really not sure what to do with that.
Meanwhile, I have this silly idea that if I become independently wealthy (i.e. win the lottery) that I'll eventually get bored enough that I'll write to entertain myself and that's when I'll get my first book done.
Other ideas I've had, while I'm on the subject, include writing the whole damn thing out of order on index cards and then arranging them and typing them up, which is how I wrote most long papers in college (the prospect of arranging 600+ cards sounds daunting); starting another blog for the purpose of writing a book (it's not working so well with my Create Your Own Religion idea thus far); and befriending J.K. Rowling to see how she did it.
A big part of the problem is that it's a huge part of my vibrational escrow/stuff waiting for me in the vortex/whatever they're calling it this year. It's my dearest ambition, and one that I rarely talk about because I feel the weight of my own expectations when I speak of it to others. I don't want anyone else to be as demanding of me about writing as I am, so I just try not to talk about it, and often feel awkward and ashamed when I do. There's an indicator that I'm not seeing myself the way source does. I've started and given up enough times to feel a great deal of resistance around the whole idea, which just makes me sad. Maybe I should consider another tantrum.
Abraham suggests starting with something smaller to practice the vortexy/attraction thing so I get the hang of it. I can't say that there's much else that I want short of financial independence now that I've manifested a functioning digital piano; maybe an iPad or paid vet bills, but I figure those could come with the wealth. I gotta admit my life is pretty amazing--my dog is recovering nicely, I have a wonderful girlfriend and 3 days off per week (7 days off would be nice, but--see financial independence comment above). A comfy home (oh, yeah--I'd like a shelter for my motorcycle). None of my wants is as compelling, though, as my want to enjoy putting together a novel, to be pleased with it when I'm finished, and to have that experience to take me into my next novel.
So I guess my job for now is to think happy thoughts, let myself get sucked into the vortex and try to stay there as long as I can. We'll see where I end up.
No comments:
Post a Comment