The eyes of source

My girlfriend and I had a misunderstanding the other night and I ended up bursting into tears.

She hadn't said anything to hurt my feelings. I had said something thoughtless--a joke, actually--and as it came out of my mouth I felt a twinge of, "That doesn't sound right." It touched a nerve, and we had a few moments of silence while she arranged her thoughts.

I really hate those moments of silence. First of all, I can't stand the thought of hurting her feelings. Secondly, if I think I've hurt someone's feelings I can almost never put my finger on exactly which part of it hurt them. I might know that something was not quite right, but often the worst part of what said or implied (and usually didn't mean) I am completely clueless about.

My friend Kathy used to serve as translator for me. I'd say, "I think such-and-such is mad at me and I don't know why." She'd ask what I'd said or done, and when I told her she'd roll her eyes and explain my faux pas in monosyllabic terms. I'd then get on the phone and grovel until my apology was accepted.

My girlfriend, on the other hand, has quite a fiery temper, knows it, and is careful to not speak until she's sure she can do so calmly. I've yet to receive the brunt of an uncensored reaction from her, so I don't know whether I'll do better with that than with the silence.

It finally came out; I was miserable; I cried. I have a horrible habit of beating myself up about being socially inept--which, objectively speaking, I'm really not too often. I worked very hard for many years to become as socially, um, ept as I am, and the occasional transgression brings back memories of years of struggle and loneliness. And then I was embarrassed and angry with myself for crying so easily.

Abraham, via Esther, has been talking about how any unpleasant feelings we have are solely caused by not being in alignment with source--the bit of god who is us--the electricity who runs our fleshly toaster. He/she says that if we could see ourselves through the eyes of source, we would only have pure love for ourselves.

When it was stylish to struggle with self esteem I did that. Since then I have found that self esteem is far to simplistic a term to define how I relate to myself. Just like with other people, there are parts of myself that I really love and parts that I'd rather just find the off switch for.

Esther recommends meditating for realigning with source's vibrations. She meditated for 15-20 minutes a day for 9 months before Abraham came into her life. I'm not sure that I'm looking for an Abraham per se, but I've always yearned to know in my heart what I know in my head. Of course, for a long time what I thought I knew in my head didn't really ring true to me, so I understand the disconnect there. My beliefs do ring true now, but there's still a small chasm between thought and feeling that I'd like to close. A little connection to universal truth would likely close that gap, if only for a few moments at a time.

So I'm getting out my Holosync cd's again, and making a bedside set-up for morning or evening meditation (as the mood strikes me). I'll keep you posted on the progress. And I'm looking forward to being more aligned with my source energy.