being ok with where you are

Abraham has pointed out a fear that I myself have:

If I'm happy with where I am, won't the universe say, "Oh, she's happy now; no point in giving her what she wants"?

Silly fear, but it stays with me.

It reminds me of my ex getting onto me to clean out my closet, so I finally did, labeling a big box "Skinny Clothes" and putting them in the attic, where they stayed and got even less stylish than they were when I put them there. Months later she talked me into getting rid of them at a yard sale, after which I lost 20 pounds and had to go and buy new skinny clothes, which thankfully I'm still wearing.

I get that I can't accept anything new and wonderful in my life until I accept where I am, and I've seen it happen time and again, in my own life and in others, in big ways and small.

I really do like where I am, but I still hold on to the hope that I'll win the lottery and never have to commute to Apex to work at the McSpa. I'll spend my new free time and money getting my car up to date on its maintenance schedule. And having its sun roof fixed. Or trading it in on a convertible; depends on the size of the jackpot.

I have moments when I'm green with envy over my friends' new toys--mostly Apple products, and mostly when I have PMS--and other times, when I pick up the toys, I realize that the iPad is heavier than I thought it would be, and the iPhone 4 is remarkably similar to my iPhone 3G except that it's shaped slightly differently and can record video (also--it's still not available in white). I'm not sure if disappointment in shiny new technology that I've yet to acquire really helps me be happy where I am . . . but it is less of a big deal that I don't have it yet, so I'll appreciate that.

I am one who, when I don't want to think about something and am trying to cheer myself up about it, buries my head in the sand and pretends nothing is wrong. Today, instead, I checked my online balances, discovered an extra $200 in a little-used account, and scheduled payments to all of my creditors so that I won't be behind on any bills at all come Christmas Eve. Years ago I had my power turned off regularly not because I couldn't afford to pay the bill, but because I forgot.

So that's good.

I still have a little income envy, though. PMS is slow to leave this month, perhaps, or maybe I really am too discontented with where I am and need to keep working on my emotional state when I think about money. I started to do a focus wheel just now, to move myself from envy to being ok with where I am, and I'm wondering . . . is it ok to only be ok with where you are because you think it's temporary?

I have a funny feeling that if I really thought it was temporary I would already be ok with where I am.

Is my job to convince myself that I'm ok, or to convince myself that it's temporary?

When I was young I was convinced that I was fat, and now I weigh more than I did then and realize how skinny I was.

I also thought I didn't have as much money as I wanted, and now I have less.

Yet I look around my house and see all the nice things I have. A giant flat screen television, two really nice guitars and three cheap ones, a blue ukulele, tons of working appliances, a BMW in the driveway (used, to be sure) . . . all of which I appreciate.

I've noticed lately that instead of bemoaning how long it takes Google Maps to load on my phone, it's a joke to see if I can find where I'm going before it can. Generally speaking, I can as long as I'm not going the opposite direction. And the parts of my phone that do work properly I find myself thinking how cool that is. (Not to mention that I replaced it with my girlfriend's hand-me-down same model phone, which has a working headphone jack--bonus.)

So I think what I'll appreciate today is how much better I'm getting at appreciating what I have. What's the point of beating myself up about stuff that only bothers me now and then, when life is really good in the meantime?

Christmas money might go to buy new tires, but I appreciate tires that hold air, and I appreciate the car that they go on.

Sometimes when I talk to myself like this, pointing out what all I have that's wonderful in my life, I feel like I'm consoling myself because I don't have everything yet. I'll never get everything, though, which is part of the joy of life. Today I don't feel consoling at all, but happy, and I appreciate my happiness.
Aforementioned girlfriend just texted me to say she's on her way home, and that's the best part of all.

I never feel like I'm consoling myself when I think about Jessica. She's fucking amazing. I tell her regularly that I won the girlfriend lottery, and I mean it. She's sexy and smart and fun to be with. She's proud to be with me no matter what company we're in. And I know I've mentioned this before, but when we're driving somewhere, and I look over at her with her sunglasses on and the window down, she looks so amazing and carefree and in control that I can't help but feel rich. The world is my oyster, and she is the pearl.

Damn. Gettin' myself all misty-eyed.

I'm not just ok with where I am. I'm fucking thrilled.