Today--well, yesterday . . . Wednesday, anyway (it's nearly 5 am and I seem to have come down with insomnia) Jessica put in an application to get a space on Ninth Street for our massage business. It's just one room, but is expandable and is actually within our price range. In fact, it's cheaper than renting a crappy room from a salon was, and it's ours.
I've had a lot of flux in my potential jobs. I found one, and then didn't get any appointments there, then I found another, and haven't gotten any appointments there, and now the first is finally running the Living Social coupon she's been talking about for over a month, so I just made myself available there. Meanwhile, I've been fantasizing about how cool it would be to work in a place that doesn't do facials (I'm sorry; I just don't get facials) and lets me wear whatever nose jewelry I like.
I have a broken netbook (I'm typing this on a very old notebook that has keys falling off and a mostly impotent battery, but that works) and Jessica's old PowerBook, also broken, and I thought since I'd be fixing my netbook I might as well ask around to see if I could get the PowerBook fixed. I've fantasized about having my own Apple computer and this is much cheaper than buying a new one, not to mention will let me know if I like them at all before investing in one.
So we bicycled to Ninth Street (which, by the way, is arrived at by a much hillier route than one might expect) and saw a "Office for Rent" sign in the window of the computer repair place. On a whim, we asked how much rent was and what kind of spaces were available.
We're very excited now.
So now my job is to keep track of how much money I make and as soon as it's more than I make at Massage Envy, I get to be in Durham full-time. I'm imagining that happening very soon, and happening in jeans with a hoop in my nose rather than a stud.
But this isn't just about visualizing what you want and imagining it yours. It's about allowing, with being ok with who you are and where you are.
After two blog posts about being ok with where you are, Jessica pointed out that bitching about my job isn't really being ok with where I am. So I cut that shit out, and worked pretty fucking hard on having a good attitude instead of bitching at myself about bitching about stuff. Honestly, I think I'm doing pretty good with the bitching, but it really knocked me for a loop to realize that my complaining had as much an effect on Jessica as it does--that I was complaining as much as I was.
I'd been pretty good, had been working on my attitude for months, and felt myself slipping (you could probably tell from my blog posts) into less-than-abundant thoughts, and felt very uncomfortable about the slipping. So I was pretty on edge about my attitude/vibrational setpoint/whatever you want to call it to begin with, and to have it pointed out to me that it wasn't just my emotions that I was affecting--that it affected the woman who means so much to me--well, it shook me pretty thoroughly.
I'm not saying that I want to change my attitude just to make her happy. That would be silly. There's nothing more irritating than someone who wants nothing more than to appease you, and nothing more awesome than someone who is strong and independent, who could live without you but doesn't want to. Does that sound weird? I guess if someone really feels like they need you they'll stick with you no matter how miserable they are with or without you (like being addicted to heroine or crack), but if someone only wants to be with you and loves being with you, they're much less likely to be miserable to begin with, much less likely to blame you for their bad moods, and much more appreciative of your good moods and the good times you have together (like being really excited about going out for sushi).
Ok, the parenthetical analogy above is a little weak. Maybe a better one would be that I could be satisfied with living in Detroit, but having the chance to live in Paris--well, there's no competition. I'd choose Jessica over anything else way faster than I'd even choose Paris over Detroit.
I try to be that for her--always encouraging and happy no matter what she's going through. Not frivolously happy if she's having a bad day, of course, but patient and holding on to my picture of her as a strong, capable woman. And she is a strong, capable woman, no matter how she felt temporarily through the weirdnesses she's been through this past year. She's thriving in spite of huge life changes, and I can't say how proud I am of her. I think it confuses her when I say that she's not in charge of my happiness but I am, and I certainly don't recommend saying that I'm not in charge of her happiness, because I've tried that and it just comes out completely wrong. Completely. Trust me.
But honestly, what's worse than knowing that you got not only yourself in a bad mood, but your lover too? And what's going to get you both out of a bad mood at the same time?
She's not perfect--no one lives up to the version of them that's in your Place Where All Is Ideal (aka the Vortex), but it's not anyone's job to live up to that.
And while I know that I could live without her if I needed to, I can't imagine why I'd ever want to. I won the girlfriend lottery, and I'm hanging on to that winning ticket.
I blog about Jessica a lot. I hope she doesn't mind. I haven't really asked lately. It's possible you're wondering why this is my Law of Attraction blog and not my Jessica is Awesome blog. There are a couple of reasons for that. The main one is that if I'm being as full of joy as I can on purpose, then she's the absolute best place to start for that because she's the best thing in my life.
The other is that she is proof that the Law of Attraction works. Every day she does something or says something and I think to myself, "Wow, I always wanted a girlfriend who does/says that sort of thing." And here she is, not because I went on a huge hunt for the ideal girlfriend, but because I allowed her into my life.
Ok, time to find something else to do to entertain myself until I get sleepy or she wakes up. Probably not a good idea to drink wine to make myself sleepy after 5:30 am . . .
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