what is the law of attraction? is it real?

Whenever I get worried about money, I make jokes--a few too many jokes--about winning the lottery.

I buy scratch off tickets--not a ton of them, but $5 here and there.

I throw in the occasional PowerBall ticket.

I start reading samples of books on my Kindle app about how to win the lottery.

I get really restless about going to work at the McSpa, gripe about it endlessly and lament how little they pay.

Jessica pointed this out to me the last time it happened, and asked if I had enough money to make the mortgage that month, because the last time I had gone a little lottery crazy I didn't, and ended up paying late fees and catching up, which really hurt financially.

She is observant.

Abraham would say that I shouldn't tie my hopes to one possible source of income--that I should focus on the money I want and feel that I already have it and not worry about where it comes from. I'm not really sure where else a sudden influx of funds might come from that would allow me to invest more fully in our own business and pay off my debts, but maybe it's due to lack of imagination.

Actually, I do have an idea. In my dream world I'm a successful novelist. It would help if I worked on my novel, though, and there you have it.

Proponents of the law of attraction and other it-can-only-be-true-if-you-believe-it philosophies often point to Richard Bannister, and how everyone believed that a mile couldn't be run by a human in less than 4 minutes. Bannister convinced himself that it was possible, accomplished the feat, and soon several other runners also broke the 4 minute mile barrier.

The question is, if you really believe it can happen, can it really happen? Or is it only that if you really believe it can't happen, that belief stops you?

Skeptics point out druggies who jump off of roofs because they really believe they can fly, ending up with broken bones or worse. If I believed I could fly, I would try lifting up off the ground. Much more impressive. Plus, that's how Sally Field did it, and she's pretty awesome.

What's interesting here is that, thanks to Wilbur and Orville, we can fly. Maybe not without a lot of accoutrements, but it's doable. Hell, my friend Chris is getting his pilot's license, and if he can fly . . . well, you get my point.

And then there's the issue of synchronicity. When we think about something a lot, do we really get more of that something, or do we just notice what's already there more? Would I have found a digital piano and an air compressor in a giveaway pile across the street if I hadn't been listening to Abraham?

On a slightly different note, would I have won $100 in that first scratch-off if I hadn't felt so lucky that day?

The overall attitude that Abraham promotes, you gotta admit, is good. Appreciate what you have, hope for better. The danger is that people (at least, I do) concentrate on the hoping for better and end up living in a fantasy world trying to make that real by just believing, not taking action if they're not in the Vortex, trying to minimize their own pain by pretending it's not there.

If you listen carefully, Abraham doesn't promote that. But you have to listen carefully.

Abraham says: Get into the Vortex, and then take action. Well, that's just common sense. If you're grumpy when you make a difficult phone call, your grumpiness is likely to show through and mess up the communication. If you're convinced you can't run a 4 minute mile but try anyway, chances are you won't make it. Sometimes I find that taking action when I don't feel like it gets me closer to the Vortex, though.

Abraham says: It is possible to be in the Vortex and to be in pain. It ain't easy, but it's possible. This only comes up when Abraham clears up past assertions that people have taken too far.

I should put some sort of transition sentence here, but I don't really feel like it. So there.

So what is it that I believe, and how can I change what I believe?

I believe I could write really good novels. I have no past experience with this, though, so I lean toward believing that I never will because I never have. I hear my father's voice taunting me about cleaning my room without being punished beforehand.

It's not my dad's fault, though, if I don't do what I want now. It's my own fault, but finding fault doesn't inspire me to change. It only discourages me.

I've only rarely benefited from an, "Oh, yeah? Well I'll show them!" attitude. I'm more likely to delve into creativity when I see someone else's and realize that I, too, can do that.

So . . . my belief is that creating my own reality is an active process. A process of encouraging myself, of believing that something's possible, of believing that the universe is a more or less benevolent place, and that shit happens, sometimes for the better, sometimes not. And, most importantly, that getting off my ass is a part of the creative process.

Belief is powerful.

My mom believes that I'm going to burn in hell for leaving the church and that lesbianism is why I left the church. I believe that arguing with her about that is only going to bring frustration and alienation. So it sits where it sits.

I also believe that if I believed that I could really make a living writing, I'd just do it. So should I convince myself that I could make a living writing, or should I convince myself that it doesn't matter whether I make a living at it or not? Or should I just force myself to write? I gotta admit, I really loved National Novel Writing Month. Loved writing every day, even if it wasn't the best work I've ever seen. Loved having a common goal with Jessica. Loved turning the television off to get our word quotas in. Loved sitting on the patio and typing away, like I am now, with a cup of coffee and a couple of spastic dogs distracting me. So why does it take a challenge like NaNoWriMo to get me to do it? (And why isn't there a National Novel Editing Month?) Why does it take signing up for a marathon to get me to run regularly?

But the real question is, how do you go about convincing yourself of anything without first doing whatever it is that you want to convince yourself is possible? Can I do anything like that without some sort of external prodding, like committing to NaNoWriMo or signing up for the Marine Corps Marathon?

Of course, it was I who committed to it, so it was an internal prodding more than anything.

I've signed up for online writing courses and it's not quite the same. Maybe there's a lack of adrenaline or something.

The workings of my own mind are pretty fucking convoluted. Sorry to bring you into my thought processes, but that's what this blog is for.

I like the idea of hypnosis to change my beliefs. Perhaps I should work on the belief that I need an external constraint to do what I want. Or perhaps I should invent external constraints to get me there.

I don't need guitar lessons to practice guitar, but I practiced a lot more when I took them. I don't need a marathon on the horizon to jog regularly, but it sure makes it more likely that I won't skive off on exercising.

The funny thing is, I really think I hate deadlines, but they seem to work wonders for me.

And what does that have to do with the Law of Attraction? It's that it's mostly about beliefs, and I believe that my beliefs hold me back. Maybe if I didn't believe in the power of beliefs that would open up more possibilities for me, except that I can't seem to let go of that belief, or of any other belief that I'm convinced I have.

No, wait. I have let go of beliefs. It was scary and liberating to let go of the belief that I'd go to hell if I let go of church--particularly the church I was raised in. And I did that through logic, a sort of a self-imposed cognitive therapy that I muddled through not really meaning to. I didn't want to let go of my faith, but I ended up having to.

I do want to let go of my ambivalence, my labile self-confidence, and I have all sorts of tools in the form of self-help books and hypnosis recordings with which to do it. The thing is, I want to push a button and upload the ability, a la The Matrix, yet I want to have the satisfaction of working through it on my own as well.

I am writing myself in circles, and bringing you with me. Do forgive. Standing on the outside, you probably see me much more clearly than I can.

I search for a higher perspective with which to see myself, but realize that I'm still holding onto the old one.

Perhaps enlightenment is the letting go of all beliefs.

I wonder what that would be like.